All Kinds of Jazzy Shit!

Life is what it is.
What is there is all that you can accept.
It is what it is.
Repetitive questions with only a Yes and a No.
Repetitive decisions with no actual choice made.
Short-term and long-term trepidations.
Strategic and tactical determinations.
It is a cycle of wins, faults and loses.
It is a cycle of effects and causes.
It is what it is.
There's no deeper meaning than what you give it.
Life is what it is.

Mating Ritual's Game



I don't want to run.

I don't mind being left behind. I find it harder if I try to walk in the same pace as everyone else. When I take things slowly, the outcome seems to be ... er ... a bit more permanent and substantial. I feel slightly more satisfied with whatever I have done.

FMLYBND's Out of Touch

No need to look up and match my strengths against someone else's to know I have done my best, I don't need to pretend and it saves time not to wait for someone else's validation. This doesn't work for everyone though and that keeps me worried. I'm probably throwing my weight around when I take my time. Well, if that happens, please don't feel bad to leave me behind.

One last hurrah. Let's go.

I need to learn to keep an open mind and remember to prioritize those that matter the most, balance everything out while I walk this tightrope.

Royal Tongues' The Balance

So many opportunities lost.
So much time wasted.
I think I've used up all my chances.

Eyes wide open.

All will be better tomorrow.
Murakami's Kafka On the Shore on Title

Qrion's Only
365 days ago, I decided to write here to release some pressure.

And right now, there's a lot of pressure.

And I haven't been writing.


I think, repeat, and say over and over. This is what you want, you are where you want. I'm frustrated.

Am I doing alright? Am I where I am supposed to be? I can't help but look at the past and see the changes that has happened over time. Was I in a better place before? How did I get here?

I think, repeat, and say over and over.

I can't look away. Whatever failures I have had in the past, whoever I was and whoever I was with in the past, wherever I was in the past, I am and will continue the living portrait of my mistakes, my memories and my mishaps. There's that fear, a dark cloud enshrouding me, reminding me of my conscious and unconscious decisions. The anxiety that sends shivers up and down my spine. It's difficult to ignore. I could be doing something now that will rob me of things that belong to my own and other people's future. The choices I make today can take away things that matter the most.

Regret, it's what I swallow everyday. It comes with that bitter taste like bile coming up from what had been forcefully fed to your soul. It's there to tell you that there had been a mistake, a miscalculation, an over and undervalue of what have could been and what has had been.


SirensCeol's Lost In Time


It's ironic how whenever I feel like this, when I am in doubt and distress of the choices I had made or have to make, I look at the night sky where the stars are. The very physical and grand manifestations of the past existing in the future. The very reminders that a light shined from an entity that has probably died millions of years ago is still there to comfort me and tell me to be and remain hopeful for a good future. And I want to be a part of that future. There has to be a way to  get there and do things right.

There has to be a way to do things right. There needs to be a way to do things right. I just need to find it. I just need to see it. I just need to see and experience more.

Fears, insecurities, doubts - I know the remedy is in me and I am still on the search.

I might be or might not be where I am supposed to be but I believe everything, all of this, will align soon. For me, for now, I just have to do and see and do.


"Let us agree to disagree, what does it matter who is past or future, if we are both alive, for what follows will follow, tomorrow or in ten thousand years." The Martian Chronicles, Ray Bradbury


I think, repeat, and say over and over. I just have to do and see and do.
I think, repeat, and say over and over. I want to be a part of that future.
I think, repeat, and say over and over. I just have to do and see and do.


Beshken's Right Time

Happy three-hundred and sixty five.

Charlie Gordon likes cool kids.

"I know I shouldn't hang around the college when I'm through at the lab, but seeing the young men and women going back and forth carrying books and hearing them talk about all the things they're learning in their classes excites me."

That is why we are having Cool Kids by Echosmith today.

“Intelligence is one of the the greatest human gifts. But all too often, a search for knowledge drives out the search for love. This is something else I've discovered for myself very recently. I present it to you as a hypothesis: Intelligence without the ability to give and receive affection leads to moral breakdown, to neurosis, and possibly even psychosis. And I say that the mind absorbed in and involved in itself as a self-centered end, to the exclusion of human relationships, can only lead to violence and pain.”

I think, of all the virtues I lack in the world, empathy is the one I lack the most. It could probably because I am young, selfish and unkind at the moment but part of myself tells me that I could just get on it when I am older and wiser. Right now, I reckon that, in my early 20's, I have to focus on my own self improvement and growth. 

“Intelligence and education that hasn't been tempered by human affection isn't worth a damn.” 

When I got time to think alone, I realized that I have been so desensitized that I don't even notice that I am starting to neglect the people I love and I hate. Anyway, I finished Flowers for Algernon (Daniel Keyes) a week ago and have reflected some of my views in life. The feeling was amplified actually, by the book. I feel that little by little, I am being benumbed by adulthood and my youth - my innocence and probably my honesty and sincerity, is gradually being swallowed piece by piece by my future older self. And you probably noticed. I did previously post some things that seem off and sullen.

I won't mention much about the book. I don't want to spoil it. It's an easy and fast read. You should be fine. The gist would be Charlie, a mentally challenged person, had been writing these progress reports as a means of documentation of the enhancement experiment done unto him. As he progresses in this experiment, he improves and becomes smarter and ultimately learns about adult things and learns to actually become one. It ends in a sad note where he realizes that sometimes however many languages you speak or however many awards and recognition you get, without the ability to recognize the people around you, you ought not to be content and happy.

“The only question now is: How much can I hang on to?” 

Not everyone agrees. I used to think I don't need anyone but my sister. I soon realized that my sister has her own life to struggle strangle with. She has her own set of friends and has her own universe to traverse in and I got to have my own one as well, and I need a different set of friends too, a different set of activities, and probably, a whole different set of clothes (haha!). 

“Because I want to see. I've got to know what's going to happen while I'm still enough in control to be able to do something about it.”

While I'm young, I feel that I need to start ahead and get things straightened. Or at least, get my life ready to be lived in. I can't just stay inside the house and watch my life through the window.

“I don’t know what’s worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to become what you've always wanted to be, and feel alone.”

And lastly, here's some RAC!

Keep busy and move.

Song for the day: Until We Meet Again by  Tonik Ensemble

Listening to Yaarrohs

Sometimes it helps to distance yourself from where you belong. Had to go far away to look closer into my self.

Now that I'm back, I feel like I've left a piece of me someplace else.


I finally got to look into myself. It was empty. I have no motivation. I have no desire. Is this sadness? I need to look somewhere else.

And I did. It's nice to have company every once in a while. Friends make you feel good. Friends and vices make it better. Friends with good advises and vices make it all well, even for just a moment.

Until next year, I'll see you again.

It's sun down but my day ain't over.

Oligee's Sketches 1 - this is my exit music.

When my day is almost over, I play this song in my head.



It's nice when my days end well. When my days don't end well, I listen to this song and think over and over that I am so blessed to be given a chance to take part in activities that probably some others do not even get to do and that there are some things I can't do or is not within reach at the moment but will be if I try harder and wait longer.

"You'll get there, eventually" A friend would say.

Do you have an exit music?

Edith Piaf - Non, je ne regrette rien

Here we have a screenful of colors,
With smiling made up faces,
Shining seamless wears,
And synchronized body movements.

On cue one - entrance clap,
Unending friendly hellos.

On cue two - lined up glass bottles,
Unending beer refills.

On cue three - pure white dust,
Unending boom of invincibility.

Follow banal patterns -
Pixels scattered and checkered.
Beating lines rising high and low.
Non-stop blinking boxes.
Eyes closed and then blackness.
Whistling in the dark.

"We promise you,
You'll be all better."

Today's playlist: CAZZETTE and Knife Party

Infinity Shred's good music have set a nice studying mood today.



I want to know and learn so many things. I am a hungry dragon seeking for knowledge. To know, for me, is to feel secure and grounded. To know, for me, adds value to the self and hopefully, also to the soul. It feeds me and I am greedy. I lust for books, for articles, for videos, for information. Maybe one of the reasons why I enslave my talents to the information industry.

I am curious and it could kill me. But I have to continue on reading, I have to beat on and continue to know. It brings me so much excitement to know. It fills me and at the same time it makes me hungry. It outbalances and balances.


I want to know who, what, how, when, where, why. I want to know. I want to consume so bad that I fear that I am consumed by something bigger that someday I'll know about.


And I forget other things. I ignore other things. Other things that could be or not be important to me but is relevant. But I can't stop.

It's such a gratifying feeling to know that someone else in this world loves you unconditionally and would be so horrified to live without you. I can't help but be happy.

The simple words and actions, the small deeds that someone else does to tell you that you are cherished and loved makes the heart overflow with joy.

"...it seemed that his heart would be shaken out of his body so great was its ecstasy."

I wish everyone to feel the same.

Heartfelt music by Wyatt
Honest title from Damned by Chuck Palahniuk
Happy quote from Call of the Wild by Jack London

No dream can last forever,
unless this chase becomes a fever,
Not a sickness, more of a disease.
A false sense that we can do things with ease,
A false thought of gleeful aspirations,
A false hope on getting there with no altercations.
Nothing can be done in a breeze,
You're there in an indefinite freeze,
While others progress in leaps and bounds.
Time to sleep on cold ground.
Envy tastes so bitter on the tongue
Carry on and come back in a bang.
Get up, you can't wait much to long


Some thoughts up above
Some Herman Hesse on the title
Some EchoDroides to listen to

But I haven't figured it out.



Alas, I need to re-examine myself.

I need to realize my short-comings before I bite the bullet.
And before it's all too late.

Ah, decisions, relations, and inhibitions.

On the side note, congratulations to Germany and the winning goal scorer, Mario Gotze. I really wanted Germany to win the FIFA World Cup 2014.

I am very simple-minded to the point of naivety. I take joy from simple things and I prefer looking at things in it's simplest, truest form. I like doing things with less, maximizing all means, utilizing my time well.

I feel that in doing things, whether it be cooking a traditional meal or jogging, the simplest method is king. I think I get far more substance with it as well. I feel more fulfilled with taking enough, rather than being overwhelmed with too much. Having too much just complicates my psycho. I don't know what to do with it.

The more I know, the more I feel that I don't know. The more people I am with, the more I feel alone. The more food I eat, the more problems I get health-wise. The more meds I take, the more I feel weak. The more groups I belong to, the more I feel that I don't belong. The bigger the house I get, the more it feels less like home. The more cash I get, the more needy and poor I become. Is it just me or does this age just necessitates multiple layers of complexities - of misunderstandings?

Things, events, relationships are there for a purpose and isn't that purpose all that's there is to be. It's always better to have that reset button where things, people, events, become just the way they are supposed to be.

It's strange how everyone just wants more.

Maybe it's Time To Realize the real purpose of things and stop and focus there.


My mom said once, the best way to know if an ice cream company has good quality ice cream is to taste their vanilla ice cream. She said this because if you find joy in it's simplest truest form, it probably is a really good ice cream.

Up there is a Vonnegut flavored Title and some fluffy Lemaitre songs

Phew. It's been a while. I have nothing new on me right now. Just a thought or a side note that things I want can't all be mine. I need to learn to wait things out. For it to bear a sweeter fruit. I'm too hasty. With everything. Whether it be in baking, relationships, the stock market or in my career, I need to wait. I need the right timing.

Well, when everything's looking dim, I could just always submerge myself into deeper thought by listening to music.



Here's a a product of my devastation over losing things because of not waiting.

The Stock Market
I have no problem with you.
I don't mind your looks, nor your romance books,
It's just you don't give a flying fuck
whether you're stepping on someone else's luck.
Greedy Grinch, who can't be in a pinch,
We'll it's just game, we try, we lose and face the shame.
Praise God when we earn some gains,
Curse him when we lose the reigns.
But hey, you're free as a bird,
You have a brain to think and observe,
Don't go about on whatever's been heard.
And you can't blame me nor the Father Almighty,
Wolf, it just had to be.
Dang, I really feel bad for letting go of that DD.
The Society, people together for sobriety
but unfortunately, there's you and me,
Selfish and giddy,
who just can't help it but watch and be folly.
It's over. Enough.
All throughout I was smiling,
Well, bets are down, with regretful growls,
Too bad, fool, you thought you were winning.
You can't always win like the Gracies.

P.S. Chuck Palanhiuk's Rant on Title

Change always happens for the better. Maybe I'm a little too optimistic but I believe that the changes that have driven to be at the present are meant to be. I'm not saying everything is destined. It's a question of being. I think, it's just, those with the power to will things have willed things. Those who have ignored or failed to command their lives have let others, may it be other people or just certain events, will things for or against them.

It's so wrong to feel apathetic towards people with less but that's just how I feel right now given the economic restraints and the political awareness needed in my country at the moment. I feel no remorse nor any kind of pity for people who beg for a living. I feel no pity because they don't have self-respect.

I admire people who have very limited economic freedom and was born in such a lowly position and yet do not juxtapose themselves as pitiful. They are penniless but still full of hope and strength. People look down at them but they humbly and courageously look up and make their climb up the ladder. They live on and work hard for their own and their family's futures.

They have dreams.