What do you want to be?
I want to be something.
What do you fear the most?
I don't want to die pointless.
What gives you meaning?
To find something larger than myself. To recognize that we do not have all the answers and that there is a need to be curious about everything. The willingness to uncover something and the acceptance of knowing nothing is what I consider a worthy curiosity.
What are your worries about life?
That I will have nothing to think of to the point of being unqualified to think. That every passing day that I don't 'think', I will become the same sheep that is irrelevant to society.
Life is what it is.
What is there is all that you can accept.
It is what it is.
Repetitive questions with only a Yes and a No.
Repetitive decisions with no actual choice made.
Short-term and long-term trepidations.
Strategic and tactical determinations.
It is a cycle of wins, faults and loses.
It is a cycle of effects and causes.
It is what it is.
There's no deeper meaning than what you give it.
Life is what it is.
Mating Ritual's Game
I don't want to run.
I don't mind being left behind. I find it harder if I try to walk in the same pace as everyone else. When I take things slowly, the outcome seems to be ... er ... a bit more permanent and substantial. I feel slightly more satisfied with whatever I have done.
FMLYBND's Out of Touch
No need to look up and match my strengths against someone else's to know I have done my best, I don't need to pretend and it saves time not to wait for someone else's validation. This doesn't work for everyone though and that keeps me worried. I'm probably throwing my weight around when I take my time. Well, if that happens, please don't feel bad to leave me behind.
One last hurrah. Let's go.
I need to learn to keep an open mind and remember to prioritize those that matter the most, balance everything out while I walk this tightrope.
Royal Tongues' The Balance
I have so many things to share with you right now but I haven't got the wealth of time.
I will soon, in no time.
For now, please lend an ear to one of my favorite bands, MuteMath.
Eyes wide open.
All will be better tomorrow.
365 days ago, I decided to write here to release some pressure.
And right now, there's a lot of pressure.
And I haven't been writing.
I think, repeat, and say over and over. This is what you want, you are where you want. I'm frustrated.
Am I doing alright? Am I where I am supposed to be? I can't help but look at the past and see the changes that has happened over time. Was I in a better place before? How did I get here?
I think, repeat, and say over and over.
I can't look away. Whatever failures I have had in the past, whoever I was and whoever I was with in the past, wherever I was in the past, I am and will continue the living portrait of my mistakes, my memories and my mishaps. There's that fear, a dark cloud enshrouding me, reminding me of my conscious and unconscious decisions. The anxiety that sends shivers up and down my spine. It's difficult to ignore. I could be doing something now that will rob me of things that belong to my own and other people's future. The choices I make today can take away things that matter the most.
Regret, it's what I swallow everyday. It comes with that bitter taste like bile coming up from what had been forcefully fed to your soul. It's there to tell you that there had been a mistake, a miscalculation, an over and undervalue of what have could been and what has had been.
SirensCeol's Lost In Time
It's ironic how whenever I feel like this, when I am in doubt and distress of the choices I had made or have to make, I look at the night sky where the stars are. The very physical and grand manifestations of the past existing in the future. The very reminders that a light shined from an entity that has probably died millions of years ago is still there to comfort me and tell me to be and remain hopeful for a good future. And I want to be a part of that future. There has to be a way to get there and do things right.
There has to be a way to do things right. There needs to be a way to do things right. I just need to find it. I just need to see it. I just need to see and experience more.
Fears, insecurities, doubts - I know the remedy is in me and I am still on the search.
I might be or might not be where I am supposed to be but I believe everything, all of this, will align soon. For me, for now, I just have to do and see and do.
"Let us agree to disagree, what does it matter who is past or future, if we are both alive, for what follows will follow, tomorrow or in ten thousand years." The Martian Chronicles, Ray Bradbury
I think, repeat, and say over and over. I just have to do and see and do.
I think, repeat, and say over and over. I want to be a part of that future.
I think, repeat, and say over and over. I just have to do and see and do.
Beshken's Right Time
Happy three-hundred and sixty five.
Charlie Gordon likes cool kids.
"I know I shouldn't hang around the college when I'm through at the lab, but seeing the young men and women going back and forth carrying books and hearing them talk about all the things they're learning in their classes excites me."
That is why we are having Cool Kids by Echosmith today.
“Intelligence is one of the the greatest human gifts. But all too often, a search for knowledge drives out the search for love. This is something else I've discovered for myself very recently. I present it to you as a hypothesis: Intelligence without the ability to give and receive affection leads to moral breakdown, to neurosis, and possibly even psychosis. And I say that the mind absorbed in and involved in itself as a self-centered end, to the exclusion of human relationships, can only lead to violence and pain.”
I think, of all the virtues I lack in the world, empathy is the one I lack the most. It could probably because I am young, selfish and unkind at the moment but part of myself tells me that I could just get on it when I am older and wiser. Right now, I reckon that, in my early 20's, I have to focus on my own self improvement and growth.
“Intelligence and education that hasn't been tempered by human affection isn't worth a damn.”
When I got time to think alone, I realized that I have been so desensitized that I don't even notice that I am starting to neglect the people I love and I hate. Anyway, I finished Flowers for Algernon (Daniel Keyes) a week ago and have reflected some of my views in life. The feeling was amplified actually, by the book. I feel that little by little, I am being benumbed by adulthood and my youth - my innocence and probably my honesty and sincerity, is gradually being swallowed piece by piece by my future older self. And you probably noticed. I did previously post some things that seem off and sullen.
I won't mention much about the book. I don't want to spoil it. It's an easy and fast read. You should be fine. The gist would be Charlie, a mentally challenged person, had been writing these progress reports as a means of documentation of the enhancement experiment done unto him. As he progresses in this experiment, he improves and becomes smarter and ultimately learns about adult things and learns to actually become one. It ends in a sad note where he realizes that sometimes however many languages you speak or however many awards and recognition you get, without the ability to recognize the people around you, you ought not to be content and happy.
“The only question now is: How much can I hang on to?”
Not everyone agrees. I used to think I don't need anyone but my sister. I soon realized that my sister has her own life to
“Because I want to see. I've got to know what's going to happen while I'm still enough in control to be able to do something about it.”
While I'm young, I feel that I need to start ahead and get things straightened. Or at least, get my life ready to be lived in. I can't just stay inside the house and watch my life through the window.
“I don’t know what’s worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to become what you've always wanted to be, and feel alone.”
And lastly, here's some RAC!
Keep busy and move.
Song for the day: Until We Meet Again by Tonik Ensemble
Anyway, that's just a thought.
Here I have some snapshots from Nagoya, Japan.
Listening to Yaarrohs
Sometimes it helps to distance yourself from where you belong. Had to go far away to look closer into my self.
Now that I'm back, I feel like I've left a piece of me someplace else.
I finally got to look into myself. It was empty. I have no motivation. I have no desire. Is this sadness? I need to look somewhere else.
And I did. It's nice to have company every once in a while. Friends make you feel good. Friends and vices make it better. Friends with good advises and vices make it all well, even for just a moment.
Until next year, I'll see you again.
It's sun down but my day ain't over.
Oligee's Sketches 1 - this is my exit music.
When my day is almost over, I play this song in my head.
It's nice when my days end well. When my days don't end well, I listen to this song and think over and over that I am so blessed to be given a chance to take part in activities that probably some others do not even get to do and that there are some things I can't do or is not within reach at the moment but will be if I try harder and wait longer.
"You'll get there, eventually" A friend would say.
Do you have an exit music?
Edith Piaf - Non, je ne regrette rien
Jean de La Fontaine's Les Animaux malades de la peste on title.
To set the mood I have here tracks from C R W N. His music sets a really subtle intimate mood.
More of the intimacy with the environment and the things around. Not just towards people. A little like how Tycho or maybe Spazzkid. or Stwo. or maybe more of Speak.
At the same time, I was also reading this book, Bird by Angela Johnson. It's about thirteen year olds running away from several things. They then have come to realize how to deal with heart breaks and not romantic heart aches. One boy would be dealing with the death of his younger brother. Another boy is dealing with growing up with a congenital heart disease. I'll stop there. It's a short book. One of the phrases that stuck with me though would be
"Nothing Makes You Feel Good sometimes".
Yes. Nothing feels good.
Reminds me of a theory I had when I was in 10th grade. People go about their lives empty. With a hole in their heart. Throughout people's lives, they look at several things to fill in that emptiness - the opposite sex, hobbies, games, work, travels and other less amicable platforms such as alcohol, smoking and drugs. Some people, those who never tried looking got stuck somewhere with the wrong key in their socket. Those people end up unhappy or wanting more. Some people find the right fit. Some people find nothing, which is for me, better than having something totally unnatural.
Reminds me, 2 weeks ago I was scavenging through heaps and heaps of audio over the web and I came across some really interesting music and podcasts. I also re-stumbled upon Radiolab and got to listen to a podcast related to nihilism itself.
I'm curious I'll probably get a copy of this book.
In the Dust of This Planet. Catchy!
I've been into Radiolab for a while now. For maybe 2 years already? Radiolab is a podcast of different natures with a mix of science. The hosts, Jad and Robert, tackle several topics in a very sensational way of storytelling. My favorites would be the shorts. Those shorts are backed up by some spectacular writing and intense sound effects and it just brings so much emotion compared to other ordinary podcasts. Have a listen. Don't worry about the science parts, they explain it so well that I think, even if I were only 10 years old, I'd still understand what they are saying.
Ohh. I'm starting to love late mornings alone.