The most he could do was create a place where his heart - devoid now of any depth or weight - could be tethered, to keep it from wandering aimlessly.
Kino by Haruki Murakami
Röyksopp Something In My Heart
Eyes wide open.
All will be better tomorrow.
365 days ago, I decided to write here to release some pressure.
And right now, there's a lot of pressure.
And I haven't been writing.
I think, repeat, and say over and over. This is what you want, you are where you want. I'm frustrated.
Am I doing alright? Am I where I am supposed to be? I can't help but look at the past and see the changes that has happened over time. Was I in a better place before? How did I get here?
I think, repeat, and say over and over.
I can't look away. Whatever failures I have had in the past, whoever I was and whoever I was with in the past, wherever I was in the past, I am and will continue the living portrait of my mistakes, my memories and my mishaps. There's that fear, a dark cloud enshrouding me, reminding me of my conscious and unconscious decisions. The anxiety that sends shivers up and down my spine. It's difficult to ignore. I could be doing something now that will rob me of things that belong to my own and other people's future. The choices I make today can take away things that matter the most.
Regret, it's what I swallow everyday. It comes with that bitter taste like bile coming up from what had been forcefully fed to your soul. It's there to tell you that there had been a mistake, a miscalculation, an over and undervalue of what have could been and what has had been.
SirensCeol's Lost In Time
It's ironic how whenever I feel like this, when I am in doubt and distress of the choices I had made or have to make, I look at the night sky where the stars are. The very physical and grand manifestations of the past existing in the future. The very reminders that a light shined from an entity that has probably died millions of years ago is still there to comfort me and tell me to be and remain hopeful for a good future. And I want to be a part of that future. There has to be a way to get there and do things right.
There has to be a way to do things right. There needs to be a way to do things right. I just need to find it. I just need to see it. I just need to see and experience more.
Fears, insecurities, doubts - I know the remedy is in me and I am still on the search.
I might be or might not be where I am supposed to be but I believe everything, all of this, will align soon. For me, for now, I just have to do and see and do.
"Let us agree to disagree, what does it matter who is past or future, if we are both alive, for what follows will follow, tomorrow or in ten thousand years." The Martian Chronicles, Ray Bradbury
I think, repeat, and say over and over. I just have to do and see and do.
I think, repeat, and say over and over. I want to be a part of that future.
I think, repeat, and say over and over. I just have to do and see and do.
Beshken's Right Time
Happy three-hundred and sixty five.
Charlie Gordon likes cool kids.
"I know I shouldn't hang around the college when I'm through at the lab, but seeing the young men and women going back and forth carrying books and hearing them talk about all the things they're learning in their classes excites me."
That is why we are having Cool Kids by Echosmith today.
“Intelligence is one of the the greatest human gifts. But all too often, a search for knowledge drives out the search for love. This is something else I've discovered for myself very recently. I present it to you as a hypothesis: Intelligence without the ability to give and receive affection leads to moral breakdown, to neurosis, and possibly even psychosis. And I say that the mind absorbed in and involved in itself as a self-centered end, to the exclusion of human relationships, can only lead to violence and pain.”
I think, of all the virtues I lack in the world, empathy is the one I lack the most. It could probably because I am young, selfish and unkind at the moment but part of myself tells me that I could just get on it when I am older and wiser. Right now, I reckon that, in my early 20's, I have to focus on my own self improvement and growth.
“Intelligence and education that hasn't been tempered by human affection isn't worth a damn.”
When I got time to think alone, I realized that I have been so desensitized that I don't even notice that I am starting to neglect the people I love and I hate. Anyway, I finished Flowers for Algernon (Daniel Keyes) a week ago and have reflected some of my views in life. The feeling was amplified actually, by the book. I feel that little by little, I am being benumbed by adulthood and my youth - my innocence and probably my honesty and sincerity, is gradually being swallowed piece by piece by my future older self. And you probably noticed. I did previously post some things that seem off and sullen.
I won't mention much about the book. I don't want to spoil it. It's an easy and fast read. You should be fine. The gist would be Charlie, a mentally challenged person, had been writing these progress reports as a means of documentation of the enhancement experiment done unto him. As he progresses in this experiment, he improves and becomes smarter and ultimately learns about adult things and learns to actually become one. It ends in a sad note where he realizes that sometimes however many languages you speak or however many awards and recognition you get, without the ability to recognize the people around you, you ought not to be content and happy.
“The only question now is: How much can I hang on to?”
Not everyone agrees. I used to think I don't need anyone but my sister. I soon realized that my sister has her own life to
“Because I want to see. I've got to know what's going to happen while I'm still enough in control to be able to do something about it.”
While I'm young, I feel that I need to start ahead and get things straightened. Or at least, get my life ready to be lived in. I can't just stay inside the house and watch my life through the window.
“I don’t know what’s worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to become what you've always wanted to be, and feel alone.”
And lastly, here's some RAC!
Keep busy and move.
Song for the day: Until We Meet Again by Tonik Ensemble
Anyway, that's just a thought.
Here I have some snapshots from Nagoya, Japan.
Listening to Yaarrohs
Sometimes it helps to distance yourself from where you belong. Had to go far away to look closer into my self.
Now that I'm back, I feel like I've left a piece of me someplace else.
I finally got to look into myself. It was empty. I have no motivation. I have no desire. Is this sadness? I need to look somewhere else.
And I did. It's nice to have company every once in a while. Friends make you feel good. Friends and vices make it better. Friends with good advises and vices make it all well, even for just a moment.
Until next year, I'll see you again.
It's sun down but my day ain't over.
Oligee's Sketches 1 - this is my exit music.
When my day is almost over, I play this song in my head.
It's nice when my days end well. When my days don't end well, I listen to this song and think over and over that I am so blessed to be given a chance to take part in activities that probably some others do not even get to do and that there are some things I can't do or is not within reach at the moment but will be if I try harder and wait longer.
"You'll get there, eventually" A friend would say.
Do you have an exit music?
Edith Piaf - Non, je ne regrette rien
Jean de La Fontaine's Les Animaux malades de la peste on title.
To set the mood I have here tracks from C R W N. His music sets a really subtle intimate mood.
More of the intimacy with the environment and the things around. Not just towards people. A little like how Tycho or maybe Spazzkid. or Stwo. or maybe more of Speak.
At the same time, I was also reading this book, Bird by Angela Johnson. It's about thirteen year olds running away from several things. They then have come to realize how to deal with heart breaks and not romantic heart aches. One boy would be dealing with the death of his younger brother. Another boy is dealing with growing up with a congenital heart disease. I'll stop there. It's a short book. One of the phrases that stuck with me though would be
"Nothing Makes You Feel Good sometimes".
Yes. Nothing feels good.
Reminds me of a theory I had when I was in 10th grade. People go about their lives empty. With a hole in their heart. Throughout people's lives, they look at several things to fill in that emptiness - the opposite sex, hobbies, games, work, travels and other less amicable platforms such as alcohol, smoking and drugs. Some people, those who never tried looking got stuck somewhere with the wrong key in their socket. Those people end up unhappy or wanting more. Some people find the right fit. Some people find nothing, which is for me, better than having something totally unnatural.
Reminds me, 2 weeks ago I was scavenging through heaps and heaps of audio over the web and I came across some really interesting music and podcasts. I also re-stumbled upon Radiolab and got to listen to a podcast related to nihilism itself.
I'm curious I'll probably get a copy of this book.
In the Dust of This Planet. Catchy!
I've been into Radiolab for a while now. For maybe 2 years already? Radiolab is a podcast of different natures with a mix of science. The hosts, Jad and Robert, tackle several topics in a very sensational way of storytelling. My favorites would be the shorts. Those shorts are backed up by some spectacular writing and intense sound effects and it just brings so much emotion compared to other ordinary podcasts. Have a listen. Don't worry about the science parts, they explain it so well that I think, even if I were only 10 years old, I'd still understand what they are saying.
Ohh. I'm starting to love late mornings alone.
Here we have a screenful of colors,
With smiling made up faces,
Shining seamless wears,
And synchronized body movements.
On cue one - entrance clap,
Unending friendly hellos.
On cue two - lined up glass bottles,
Unending beer refills.
On cue three - pure white dust,
Unending boom of invincibility.
Follow banal patterns -
Pixels scattered and checkered.
Beating lines rising high and low.
Non-stop blinking boxes.
Eyes closed and then blackness.
Whistling in the dark.
"We promise you,
You'll be all better."
Today's playlist: CAZZETTE and Knife Party
I want to know and learn so many things. I am a hungry dragon seeking for knowledge. To know, for me, is to feel secure and grounded. To know, for me, adds value to the self and hopefully, also to the soul. It feeds me and I am greedy. I lust for books, for articles, for videos, for information. Maybe one of the reasons why I enslave my talents to the information industry.
I am curious and it could kill me. But I have to continue on reading, I have to beat on and continue to know. It brings me so much excitement to know. It fills me and at the same time it makes me hungry. It outbalances and balances.
I want to know who, what, how, when, where, why. I want to know. I want to consume so bad that I fear that I am consumed by something bigger that someday I'll know about.
And I forget other things. I ignore other things. Other things that could be or not be important to me but is relevant. But I can't stop.
It's such a gratifying feeling to know that someone else in this world loves you unconditionally and would be so horrified to live without you. I can't help but be happy.
The simple words and actions, the small deeds that someone else does to tell you that you are cherished and loved makes the heart overflow with joy.
"...it seemed that his heart would be shaken out of his body so great was its ecstasy."
I wish everyone to feel the same.
Heartfelt music by Wyatt
Honest title from Damned by Chuck Palahniuk
Happy quote from Call of the Wild by Jack London
I am as busy as the rain clouds today. So many people and things to rain on today. I'll just dance through the night until all work is over.
I am busy yet I am happy. It's a nice happy. I'm also excited.
So many things to learn. I need to catch up.
I just finished a book over some warm pandesal yesterday. Blink by the Malcolm Gladwell. It's a great book for marketeers. I'll talk about it soon.
Can't stop moving, we gotta go and seize the night.
After I get through today's work, I will play Watch Dogs Til' Dawn...
keep my Eyes Open until I finish Act III.
But before all that, I need to Get It Together,
do my best and Seize the Night.
Good music from Foxe Basin
Good remix from Tobtok
Good bread from Pan de Manila